It’s late, and the moon is in my eye. You keep yelling in my ear. My rabbit heart jumping and running, I feel nothing right now. Silence, my hip popping in and out of place. My weight shifting away from the screaming. And then you mind melt into the colors of the bright TV screen. Sitting there, feeling sorry for yourself. If you are sad I don’t want to know. My mind seems to ease away the memories of when you were here, when I was a baby. But now I could care less if I lost you. This house where we live is not a home. All the screaming and scars we’ve left. I belong no where. It’s a pit stop, this dis-functioning home. And as you hit her, I hope you think of the woman you were in love with when I was little and I knew what parents were like. When this cancer didn’t consume us all. I’ll remember one day. Dad.

Yesterday
I thought I saw you yesterday. But I didn’t stop cause you was walking the opposite way. I guess I could have shouted out your name. But even if it was you I don’t what I would say. We can sit and reminisce about the old school. Maybe share a cigarette because we both fools. Chop it up and compare perspectives. Life. Love. Stress and Set backs. You could tell me how hard you had it. And you could show me all the scares to back it. And we can analyze each complaint Break it down and explain these mistakes I make. I like to tangle up the strings of the puppetry But you knew me back when i was a younger me. You’ve seen Sean in all types of life. And I’ve been meaning to ask you if I’m doing alright. Yesterday, was that you. Looked just like you Strange things my imagination might do. Take a breath reflect on what we’ve been through Or am I just going crazy cause I miss you. I’m Shook. I know. I pushed when I should of pulled. Took it all back if I could I put that on my soul. And I would make a top notch good listener. If you could block off a little time out to give it here. Since we went our separate paths. I hit a couple of snags that remind me of the past I cant front I’m having a blast, but damned if I ain’t afraid of how long its gonna last. Sitting here wishing we could kick it. Gimme your opinions I do miss the criticisms. I didn’t mean to be distant. Make a visit. Ill wait up and keep the coffee brewing in the kitchen. But who am I jokin’ with theres no way that you and I will ever get to re-open it. It doesn’t matter this is more then love And maybe if I’m lucky I’ll see you out the conner of… Yesterday was that you? Looked just like you. Strange things my imagination might do Take a breath reflect on what we’ve been through Or am I just going crazy cause I miss you.. And when you left I didn’t see it coming. I guess I slept it ain’t like you was running. You crept out the front door slow. And I was so self-absorbed I didn’t even know. And by the the time I looked up, it was booked up. You put it all behind you, the bad and the good stuff. A whole house full of dreams and steps I think you’d be impressed with the pieces I kept. You disappeared but the history is still here thats why I try not to cry over split beer. I can’t eve get mad that your gone leaving me probably the best thing you ever taught me. i’m sorry, its official. I was a fistful. I didn’t keep it simple. Chip on the shoulder, anger in my veins. Had so much hatred, now it brings me to shame. Never thought about the world with out you, And I promise, I’ll never say another bad word about you. I thought I saw you yesterday, But I know it wasn’t you, cause you passed away dad. Looked just like you. Strange things my imagination might do. Take a breath reflect on what we’ve been through. Or am I just going crazy cause I miss you.


Black and Blue
They say that eyes contribute towards 85% of your total knowledge. I guess that explains why I loved you so much. I saw something and I fell in love with the image of you. It’s why it was so easy to open my eyes and see something good as I fell of the surface of my feelings.

Every single cell in our body is replaced every seven years. And by my calculations that means by october 2015 the person I will be will have never even touched you.
Distance has widened and new things have grown in place. Nothing is really forgotten but at this point it’s fluid. It’s taken me this long to encourage myself to stop wishing for a return or a sincere apology, to let you go and hold the hand that’s here.

Most heart attacks occur between the hours of 8 and 9 AM. I remember that morning, the one after that is. Where I was laying in bed and the first breath I took of the new morning was at 8:03 to be exact, it hurt so bad and my heart started to spasm and leap. It was trying so hard to get away. The headlights were on it and everyone was watching, the whole world laughing. I started the joke. At one time it was thought that the heart controlled the human emotions, that’s what they say. They also say during a typical human life span, the human heart will beat approximately 2.5 billion times. Not this heart, it beat once. Stop. Now try this again.

well i’ve known since forever that she felt right, different than before, not that my before was that much of anything to compare with anything, but different in this way since the beginning that i felt something in me, like those fastforwarded videos of flowers blooming. and i knew it was something when we promised we’d make this happen, that one day we’d see each other that that was the plan. between all these letters all these promises that she thought of me like i thought of her. i knew it was something when i got on my first plane ever and experianced the most nervous, exciting moment in my life. and when i saw her the first time. easily the happiest day of my life. she came from behind and turned me around and hugged me, held me the tightest i’ve ever been held, and she kept saying you’re real and we compared shaking hands. when we sat in her car in the driveway waiting for hey there delilah to play, because that was one of our songs. when we watched the office and i told her shes beautiful and she cried. when we had our first kiss on the fourth of july under fireworks as we sat in riverfront park on a sesame street sheet. when she came home from work and i jumped on her and kissed her cheek. and how she’d leave me messages with her computer desktop for me to wake up to when she had to work. laying beside her in bed telling her everynight that i love her and kissing her on the cheek. when i’d hold her hand on the gear shift. and all these little things i could name you just about a million i bet. they get all broken down like that; all detailed. and but when i had to leave and we stayed up late that night prior trying to fight it, and she said i’d be back. and i knew it but it still hurt like its supposed to. and she wrote me a quick letter on that map of spokane while we waited and she put it in my bookbag and told me not to read it until i’m up there. and when i read it i just cried some more and all i could do was stare out that window and miss her like hell. and i knew when i was home when i was missing her more than i’d ever miss anyone ever. but i came back in winter, and it just feels like you never left. you kinda realize it there a lot, when it feels like you never left. we exchanged christmas gifts and she gave me watercolors, and other things, but watercolors, well i use them a lot and its the best gift i think i’ve gotten ever. i think about her everytime i paint. i love that a lot. i gave her our promise rings, mine says “born to tell you” and hers says “i love you” cause thats our song. and theres more broken down parts like the night we ate everything bagels and we created the best inside joke and she took a million pictures of me. and then i go back home and come back in the summer. we pick it up like i never left. and repeat with a different melody. and then i go home. we break up/take a break/whatever for our reasons. there is no lower i’ve ever been than there, and its there i really know i love her. when shes completely gone. when she is the farthest from you in every aspect and you still love her like you’ve always loved her. you see her in everything ten fold. you stay at home for christmas. i moved on and dated sunny, and but shes still in the back of my head. thats not fair but that is how these things go. that is how true love goes. and i call her one night drunk, and then theres this big tangle of mess where i probably shouldn’t of done that, we work things out and decide to be friends, start talking like we used to. come back in summer. try to be content with just being bestfriends, and you are, but god do you love her more than that. and i was there for when she got a sonogram and i saw taden and tyler and it made me cry like this good kind though because you know this is something beautiful. and just more of these broken down parts where she cut my hair, and like when she cuts my hair or cuts it because then i go home with something to remind me of her. and it grows out or gets dyed over but thats okay cause she’ll fix it again soon. and on a completely far off note when i had a lady look at my artwork for the maryland institute college of art, she picked up the one watercolor of elsa i did and she said she loved that one. that i needed to do more like that. and i find it right that she’d think that was my best. cause i painted that one with my love. all my love in one paper. anyway, i go home. i’ve dated and fooled around with a few people, explored what we’re supposed to explore at eighteen. can’t come for winter because its too expensive to only stay for a few days of winter break. and then you’re at right now where i just bought my flight today to go see her this summer. and theres a lot i didn’t tell but thats okay because you get my point. thats its hard to tell you when i realized i loved her, and i can try but nobody really knows. you know know theres all these moments and theyre just stuck like hell in your head and in your heart. and you would never change them for all the money you’d never be given anyway.
I honestly just cried. That made me feel like it’s Sunday, or that someone was actual here, and that they cared about me. And it’s not even about me. It’s about some other girl in some other state and some guy who doesn’t even follow me on tumblr wrote it. But it made me remember that people are fucking beautiful. Forgive my language. This is what people are supposed to be like, real.

186 days. I’m okay. The scratching and tearing you’ve caused inside my brain will always be there. The yelling won’t go away. I’ve counted up the days since I let myself go, the days of missing you, the days that I drew stars and nebula’s all over my body, the days that I didn’t care whether you were living or breathing. To be honest they are all the same. This fresh air around me, with you in it it’s a waste. You made me waste. And now, all the yelling and words you said in my head. They’ll always be there, but I don’t have feeling towards you anymore. I haven’t for the past 150 days. The End.

This Hole.
This hole that eats me.This hole that’s black. This hole I’m stuck in. A lifeless sack. This hole that keeps me. Bound with your chains. This hole I’m meaning to rearrange.
This hole I’ve been inside, my whole entire life.It chills me to the bones, how I have been alone.And now you see, what you have done to me.This hole.
This hole that seeping that dark brown ooze. This hole that seeing all that I lose. You whipser meaning into my ear. A soft sweet saddness I want to hear.
This hole I’ve been inside, my whole entire life.It chills me to the bones, how I have been alone.And now you seem see, what you have done to me.This hole.
This hole’s our family broken and bruised. This hole the ending I want to chose. Far from the memories and bleeding walls. This home is broken, where’s the applause.Unfinished.

I saw them
Those writings from a long while back. The ones I etched in stone and let the vines wrap around them in my heart. My home. That place where things were okay. I used to open my mind and scratch my brain. The violin strings inside being plucked with your long nails. I miss how they tickled. How touching you was something unreal. Clinging to smoke. I’m in the head lights now. Everyone keeps moving fast all around me, but I have your face strapped to my feet pulling me farther and farther away from my sanity. Go now. I’ll be okay. You can stop. I can stop. We can be better.

I remember hearing you laughing as a little girl. All the trips you took across state lines, all the things that made you laugh. The bluegrass songs that you sung along to. I remember, and I saw your face and how happy you were. When Daddy was there for you.
Hearing my mom tell my sister her dad won’t be around made me cry. Seeing her cry, knowing her parents are getting a divorce, left me without words. Seeing my mom cry because my dad fessed up to all the times he slept with all those other women.. made me throw up.
I can’t even look at you.

Sometimes I wish I had enough courage for people to love me. Or that I was interesting, or that people pursued me. I wish I had enough courage to feel something for somebody. People are boring. Goodwill, I need your couches and odd smelling clothes.

I kept sending those letters over and over and over again. About my life, and about how my mother cried that day. Or how the sunset had blue freckles in it, like your eyes. I wrote, and I made the 7 all messy so the mail man could never send them. They came back void. They came back because I knew you wouldn’t ever care. The nights I spent up, asking myself why I was awake. Why I was hunched over the writings that screamed and pained their way out of my mouth. The disgusting bones that jutted from my spine, my skin rolling over as I heaved repeatedly. I sometimes write just so I can cry because it feels so damn good. Run. Running now. I’ll breathe again, and the next day too. The trees will moan for me to come in and the rocks will whisper the secrets of the black river killer. Come to me sweet earth and write me letters, sing me songs, pray for me. Pray for me as if I’m what you’ve been waiting for. Mean it.
It takes 23 days to make something a habit. That’s 520 hours, 31,200 minutes, and 1,872,000 seconds. Come and stay with me, please. Stay for 23 days, so that you can become a habit in my life. Your smile in the morning, those cute crooked teeth, and the freckles that are caught in your eye. Make the days of sun kisses and late night movies a habit. Stay, please.

Go now, turn away. Stop saying hello out of the pity and memories you keep scratching at. You are alone, and so am I. In this disgusting pit we dug. Run, run away. And leave me sucking the worms and root marrow. Leave me to decay in this dark black hole, where you put me first hand. Where you promised to come back later and kiss my open wounds. Lie to yourself one more time and you’ll perish my dear. The raven will sink in your spine and peck into your cornea. Leaving this bad taste in your mouth. Listen to the echos and whispers. Who are you? Who are we? We are here. We are gone. We are this fuck filled abcess of disgrace and vomit. Come speak with me when I can look into your eye and not feel ashamed of my whole entire life.

FEELING..
Like I should post this, just so I don’t lose it. I had to take it off so everything could fit on the side.
My obsessions include but are not limited to; red hair, blogging, lazy sundays, seattle, old buildings, holding hands, learning espanol, photography, music, longboarding in the rain, discovering new bands, cutting my hair, thrifting, writing my book, the bible, jones soda, TOMS, paint brushes, sunlight, insomnia, flickr, hugs, people watching, poetry, coffee shops, piercings, v-necks, blonde hair and blue eyes, flirting, tagging, cafe vita, tall people, bones, crooked teeth, late night calls, pokemon, concerts, Andrew Nichols, natural beauty, literature, 1920’s, surrealism, little moments that make only me smile.

I don’t understand. Why do people try and make me feel stupid? Honestly. I am so irritated, and Sara has already heard my vocalized feelings. No shaking your head at me missy. Can someone give me some sort of solution.. For one, I never intended talking to him. Ever. It hadn’t crossed my mind. And I thought we had both agreed on the not talking to each other? I told you I’d always care, IF you had a problem or wanted to talk. And if you want to talk.. then do it?Secondly, he asks how I am and is then given my number.. to grow some balls and talk to me if he really cared.Third, at four in the morning when I think I’m dreaming, I message him. I STEP UP TO THE PLATE.Fourth he just reads the thing.
Cool. You are so cool. You love making me feel so stupid. Don’t you?Does that give you some sort of satisfaction, do you think I was just dying to get a hold of you? I really wished we would have never met kid. That way we didn’t have to deal with each other.I don’t understand why I put any effort into any people around me.
GTFO.Right now. I’m so done, I don’t even care if you ever reply.asdfghjkl
25 pages of my book are done.Yay.

http://tillthemorninglight.tumblr.com/page/58